Well, lets see if BB will give me a chunk of time long enough to actully write something, instead of just knock two feeds off my blogroll.

Things here haven’t been too bad.

Well, he’s still sleeping like a piece of steaming shit, of course, but my step-kids have gone home, and me and the T-meister have been actually getting along – two things not necessarily related to each other, but then again, maybe they are.

Anyway, it’s good. Due to having a routine (again?), we have, at least, a baby who will go to sleep at an appropriate time, even if he won’t stay asleep.

It’s something though. And our copy of “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” arrived yesterday, so I am hoping the dirty t-shirt in the cot / hippy music / soft toy attachment will start doing something useful in time.

Dare I hope.

Meanwhile, countdown to return-to-work has now reached nine days. God. I try to be positive – it is mostly a new role, it is only three days, I have been getting a bit bored anyway etc etc etc but still, the thought of having to go in there periodically revolts me, especially the thought that since I’m job-sharing I won’t even get my own desk to litter with photographs and make everyone puke. Wah.

Finally, an admission. That I could never make on my original blog due to the utter shame.

The last couple of weeks I have been struggling with smoking again.

I know. What an absolute idiot. I can’t believe my own stupidness. It started as one on New Years, then was soon one a day, but is slowly building up. I have to get a grip on it. I have to. I don’t want to be like I was before I quit, which was just about the most hardened smoker you could ever meet, like I’m talking fifty or sixty a day during some points in my life. Literally, a chain-smoker.

I hate the feeling of slavery to it; that bit has come back so quickly, regardless of how much or little I smoke. It was so good to just not have to deal with the cravings anymore. I know that stopping again entirely is the only way to get over the cravings ultimately. That the only thing causing the cravings is the fact that I keep having more cigarettes. I know all of it. Which is why I’m so very disgusted with myself.

Anyway, bleugh. Feel free to chastise and/or give assvice.


11 Responses to “”

  1. sky girl Says:

    Oh crap. I’m sorry Meg. Smoking is such a demon. My husband is dealing with the same thing.

    Is there anything that makes you not want to smoke? Like after you brush your teeth, you don’t want to smoke because you feel all fresh and stuff? If so, brush your teeth every hour or two till you get over the worst of it. Temporarily cut out coffee and tea and things like that cause it tends to go hand and hand with cigarettes.

    Shit. I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws here cause I want to help.

  2. Anita Says:

    I know how you feel Meg … really know how you feel. I feel like every time I’ve quit it’s only been temporary. Deep down we have to want it and ignore any excuse to start again. My two biggest excuses (Sgt’s unit being bombed in 2002 and no longer pregnant) to start again are pretty lame when I look at them now.

    I saw my doctor yesterday for an annual exam and spoke to him about it. He has given me a perscription for a medication called Cham.pix that has had great results. It’s not an antidepressant (which left me a total wreck when I took it to quit) but I’ll have to wait until I stop breastfeeding to start. I’m terrified that I’m going to leave Graeme as a young orphan because of the cigarettes. Maybe that’s enough of an incentive for me to quit for good this time.

    Maybe we can do it together?

  3. DD Says:

    I would hate for you to let this control you, and keep that in mind: everytime you reach for a cigarette, you lose some of your power.

    I wasn’t a hard smoker. Just when I went out and drank, I would smoke so a pack could last me a couple of weeks. When I moved to where I live now and met Mr. DD who wasn’t a smoker, I stopped while we were dating figuring if it didn’t work out I would just pick it up again. It was the best thing for me to fall in love with a non-smoker. Does your husband smoke? It would make it harder for you to curb it if he did.

    I can’t chastise you as you already know that there are no advantages to smoking again, especially for BB, but it makes me wonder what you are substituting the cig for…?

  4. Serenity Says:

    I was like DD – a “once in a while” smoker. Mostly when I was drinking I wanted one. About the only thing that worked for me was the procrastination method – just put it off every time I had a craving.

    But then again, I was never hard core. So my suggestions might be, well, stupid. Like sky girl says – grasping at straws.

    I won’t chastise you either. I know in the states there are many things you can do/take – gum, patches, medications even – which will help keep the cravings under control. Maybe that’s something you can look into as well?

  5. Brandy Says:

    Ugh, I am so sorry about the smoking. I can’t relate when it comes to cigarettes (never have smoked) but any addiction is hard to break. Mine tend to be nail biting and eating. When I get stressed I bite my nails to nubs and eat everything in site, it’s not a good thing so I do understand to an extent. Anyway, I will be thinking about you and definitely hope you’re able to get it under control, maybe with a doctor’s supervision.

    Oh and please, please, PLEASE let me know how the book works out. I’m thinking I’m about to move on to something like that for Aiden. I need sleep and soon. 🙂

  6. Melina Says:

    I have absolutely NO advice for you because I need it myself…I’m actually looking forward to pregnancy so that I have to force myself away from cigarettes. The worst part? I didn’t start smoking until 27 (30 now), I was stressed and I was a crazy dieter so I would stress eat, I decided to stress smoke. John has smoked since he was 12. I can go all day without a cigarette and then I crave them the second I leave work.

  7. Becky Says:

    I quit smoking when I got pregnant with Alex, and after his crappy attitude and his complete lack of sleep (still. I feel your pain, dude), I took it up again. I’d like to say that I am sorry, guilty, blah, blah, blah, but I’m not. It was so stressful (and still can be) that it was all that I could do to make it through each day.

    Man, I sound terrible. I’m not an enabler, I swear.

  8. Sam Says:

    The only reason I started my blog is because I quit smoking and I needed to do something to keep my mind off smoking. I LOVED smoking but it was killing me, it killed my dad, his mom, etc. But IT’S SO GOOD! And I’m totally jealous that you are smoking and I can’t.

    Also, good for you for being able to say stuff on your blog and feel semi-comfortable about it.

  9. Motel Manager Says:

    I’ve never been a smoker, so this is especially assvicerific, but it comes from one of my close friends, who is a two-time quitter. She’d quit the first time because she moved to California to work at a demanding job, and you basically can’t smoke anywhere in CA, certainly not an office. She was off cigarettes for several years. She then went to creative-writing graduate school, and, well, you know writers. She smoked again for maybe three years, then decided to quit. To quit, she did did exactly the same things as she’d done the first time since she felt she’d had success then. She’s been a nonsmoker again for more than a year now, so I guess that approach worked for her.

    Personally, I enjoyed the enforced non-drinking period when I was pregnant, and I kept NOT drinking for several months afterwards, but I am now certainly used to drinking again. Habits are hard to kick, especially when they can relax you in times of stress! 🙂

  10. Summer Says:

    I don’t have any first-hand experience with quitting smoking. I’ve only smoked like 3x in my life and never liked it enough to do it regularly. But, the mister was a smoker for 37 years, the last few as a heavy, heavy chain smoker basically from the time he woke up to when he went to bed except when he was eating. He had tried several times to quit but it was always temporary. This last time he quit, was almost 4 years ago. The way he did it this last time was to wait until the craving disappeared, THEN have his cigarette. In this way, he kind of separated his emotional need to smoke with his physical need. What ended up happening was that he found he smoked less and less each day and by day 4 or 5, he was not smoking any cigarettes at all.

    I don’t know if this will work for everyone. He had a huge motivation to really keep off them because this was just after my miscarriage and he believed it was his fault (i.e. smoking ruined his sperm, lucky for me although he smoked a lot, he never did it indoors). It’s funny, because now, he really has no physical need to smoke but every once in awhile he’ll say that he really wants a cigarette and it’s because of some emotional trigger/stress like his family visiting or taxes.

  11. My Reality Says:

    Oh how I know how hard this is. I quit officially 6 & 1/2 years ago, but I have gone back to it on many occasions in the last 5 years. I am currently trying to get past my “I indulged because it was the holidays smokes” and the cravings are killing me. I am currently chewing nicorette gum so furiously my jaw hurts. But I do find it helps get past those first few days when you put the evil sticks down.

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