dumped

Last week, I got dumped.

Not by my husband, but by a girlfriend.

It was kind of my fault. Well, not really my fault, but I started it. I was the one who sent the confrontational, impulsive email bitching about the fact that she couldn’t, or wouldn’t  rather, make it to my son’s birthday party.

But it wasn’t about the birthday party. It was about every other time I’ve made plans with her in the last year, when she has called and broken them. It was about the fact that she has met Buddha Baby precisely twice. It was about the fact that somewhere along the line, she changed the rules on our friendship.

When I got back from work after our to-ing and fro-ing, T. asked me: Are you sure she wasn’t just breaking up with you?

See, I read an excerpt online recently, on a book about female friendships, and about how there are no protocols for ending them. It talked about the way women do this, how they just ignore calls, break plans, act like they’re “just busy”. It talked about how all of us do it – that we have all been the dumper and the dumpee at different times. And how hurtful and how painful that is respectively.

I thought about it. 

And there was a little cartoon lightbulb that flashed up above my head for a moment.

Isn’t this so simple and so true? I’ve had this happen several excrutiating times in my life – and worse, I’ve done it to others. I’ve groaned at the thought of having to call certain friends back, and just not. I have actually inflicted that crap on other people.

Anyway, so then I felt guilty for being so forthright about it all, and I composed a very neat, very gentle and not-at-all-pissed-off email to her. And I basically said all that – about the book and whatnot – and apologised for being confrontational and last-strawish and said that I hoped that wasn’t what was going on.

And she returned my emails. No answer. No nothing. Just the old Mailer Daemon flashing pixels of rejection at me in my work inbox.

I can’t believe we are grown women doing this to each other.

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17 Responses to “dumped”

  1. sky girl Says:

    Ug. I’m still haunted by an old and close friend that dumped me. I dream about her a lot.

    You know what? It’s because I didn’t get any closure. How crazy is that?

  2. DD Says:

    *ouch*

    We women do have a hard time dumping other women b/c we’re so geared into that whole “sisters till the end!” thing. Hopefully you’ll get beyond the feeling of loss and think, “meh – better off”.

  3. Brandy Says:

    Ugh. I hate when we women hurt each other so. I’ve been there and it sucks. We love you though! 🙂

  4. Becky Says:

    Happened to me in the middle of wedding planning. My maid of honor bailed on me and I haven’t heard from her since.

    It’s a terrible feeling.

  5. beagle Says:

    Sorry. That smarts. I know. I’ve been dumped twice over the course of IF Hell and it really does suck. In my case they were both better-off-withouts and it STILL hurt.

  6. Mel Says:

    Okay, ten kinds of wrong. I really believe that when you enter into a friendship, you enter into a social contract. And you don’t have to remain bound together forever, but you owe each other an explanation for behaviour or some type of closure. That is so crappy that she can’t give you that. I’m so sorry, Meg.

  7. My Reality Says:

    Ouch.

    I am sorry she has done this. Even if you have drifted apart, she could have been a little nicer with the break up. Women can really be bitches.

  8. dawn Says:

    OMG I was just chatting about this today with a friend…..we were trying to figure out if this other woman (C)is going through stuff and ignoring us or dumping us…..being C hasnt been in touch for 4 months with A. I wasnt close with her so not that werid never has been in touch…..although i had a baby and thought maybe would get a congrats email. But A and C were friends for a long time and now C is out of touch…….
    I want that book!!

  9. Melina Says:

    sorry buddy, I’m dealing with a similar issue with my old friend Niki, I just have to let it go I think but I feel so icky knowing that someone doesn’t like me. It sounds so juvenile but it’s true.

  10. Sam Says:

    That sucks. It is so hard to say “Hey, I don’t want to make the time for you anymore.” Or “Your husband is an asshole and I cannot watch him walk all over you anymore.”

    I am sorry that you’re on the crap end of this right now.

  11. Bea Says:

    Yeah, I don’t know why grown women have to act like 5yo’s. Or, worse, 13yo’s. Probably the inflammatory email didn’t help, of course, but it would have been nice to get a sensible reply when you sent out your sensible email. I think the fact you stepped down and wrote a sensible email counts for a lot even without the reply.

    Bea

  12. Tracy Says:

    I found you through Mel. I was dumped by one of my bridesmaids within a year of my wedding. I am still not sure what went wrong. I even sent a note of apology – “if I did something to offend, please, please forgive me, because your friendship is very important to me.” I got a nice note in reply saying I’d made her day, and then I never heard from her again.

    Sometimes we just have to accept it and move on. Sometimes people just change. And time is short.

    I’m sorry; I know it stings.

  13. southcitysadie Says:

    I read that book, too. I’m sorry about your friendship. I’m going through a similar “break-up” now, it seems.

  14. Pepper Says:

    BTDT – from both sides – more times than I care to admit. Some of the most cruel things that have happened to me in my lifetime have been committed by former friends. And there are times when I’ve been just as bad.

    She should have responded to your email, even if she didn’t want the friendship to continue. Anything less is just plain cowardly.

    I hope the sting isn’t too sharp and doesn’t last too long.

  15. isn't it pretty to think so Says:

    Oy…it hurts to read this. I’ve been the dumper and the dumpee. So many times. Women’s friendships are hard. Men have it easier. They just drink beer and watch football. We have to confide in, empathize with, and support each other…leaving much more room for hurt feelings resulting in the “dump.”

  16. sirrah Says:

    I know how this feels – I am experiencing it right now. I hate that you feel it, too – that any of us have to go through it.

    I thought I was mad at her, then I dreamed about her and realize now – I miss her. I am not mad, I am really hurt.

  17. Jessica Says:

    I’m still trying to get over a friendship break up that occurred almost three years ago. I read somewhere that being dumped by a friend has a “vague fart waft of failure” and that’s what I’ve been feeling for these past three years. My best wishes to you and I hope you can heal and learn from this whole experience.

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