There is a lump in my breast.

It isn’t a small lump. It isn’t a pea-shaped lump. It is a big, hard mass of a two inch lump.

I think it just came up. Suddenly. This week. That’s what I think.

But I’m not sure; I’m doubting myself. What if that kind of lumpy tissue that’s been there for a long time – that seemed to be on both sides; that I thought was just breast tissue – what if it wasn’t?

I went to the doctor this morning. He didn’t help. Talk of his not being able to reassure me, talk of kicking heads if I couldn’t get into testing earlier this coming week. He gave me Monday morning off work to make the calls. All his manner, partially – another doctor would have said ‘We’ll get tests right away, but it probably isn’t the worst case scenario, at 31 years of age.”

But he didn’t. He thought it likely I would have to cancel my overseas trip – coming in three weeks.

And I am near panic. In and out of panic actually. For several hours today I convinced myself it was breastfeeding-related. Strange let-down sensations on both sides, two babies born around me in the last week. A bit of milk on the opposite side to the lump. Some weird, hormonal freak of nature – it happens, they say. My friend, two years past breastfeeding, said she startied randomly lactating earlier this year, for a week. Perhaps its a blocked duct. Perhaps its a cyst.

But I don’t know.

I’m so scared. So fucking scared.

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20 Responses to “”

  1. Danielle Says:

    Everything I want to write sounds placating and pathetic.
    I really just want want to sit you down on my couch, give you some warm cookies and a hug.
    I believe in prayer, so I’ll send a few up for you today and in the near future.
    Hang in there dear M. There is much more information to come and it may not be bad news- (I know you already know that, but I guess I’m writing as much for myself as for you.)

  2. Sam Says:

    Oh Meg. I am so sorry that you are scared. I’ll be here holding your hand. You know my email if you need something.

  3. Pam/Wordgirl Says:

    Oh Meg,

    A few years ago I was crossing my arms and felt this lump — under my arm and near my breast — I remember that feeling. I was, like you, scared. The doctors were brusque and dismissive — and I demanded on a mammogram — I hope you’ll demand one too — even an ultrasound…it turned out to be a cyst and I have to believe this will be the same for you too. I will be here thinking of you my friend. My hope for you is that you can find a moment of calm and reassurance in these next few days.

    Love to you,

    Pam

  4. My Reality Says:

    While your doctor isn’t reassuring, this isn’t something you would want to mess with just in case. I am hoping that it is nothing more than a blocked duct. It doesn’t have to turn out bad, and I hope to god it doesn’t.

    Now, for something pleasant, tell me about your overseas trip? Are you finally coming to visit?

  5. Becky Says:

    Oh Meg, you poor dear. This happened to a good friend of mine and it turned out to be nothing. And I, myself have such lumpy breasts that it makes my MD laugh (which, now that I think of it, is not perhaps the BEST reaction) when I get my annual.

    I’m thinking of you, my friend, and I’m sending the Let This Be Nothing At All vibes your way.

  6. Amanda Says:

    Oh, Meg. I’m so sorry. I so hope everything’s ok. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  7. sky girl Says:

    Can’t blame you for being scared. I would be too. I’ll be thinking of you and waiting for an update.

    Hang in there, my friend.

    xo

  8. MsPrufrock Says:

    Well, you noticed it, which is the first step. You’ve also spoken with your doctor, even if he is an asshole about it. I’m hardly full of calm (I have panic attacks at the slightest hint of a health issue), so I’m not going to remotely pretend that I would be relaxed about it myself. However, for the most part, lumps like that are harmless. I went to my GP ages ago becaue of breast pain, and she said that for anyone lumps are cysts and the like, let alone for young birds like you and me.

    Keep us updated. I, like My Reality, want to know where you’re going on this overseas trip!

  9. Bea Says:

    Scary stuff. But yes, probably a false alarm. But still, scary stuff. Wishing you all the best. Got everything crossed for a quick and reassuring result.

    Bea

  10. DD Says:

    Just letting you know I’m still here. Support is our middle name, no matter why it’s needed.

  11. Serenity Says:

    Hugs love. And hoping for a good… and yes, reassuring result. Quickly.

    xxx

  12. Michelle Says:

    Oh, Meg… bugger your breasts and all they’ve put you through 😦

    ::hugs::

  13. Sassy Says:

    How scary. I hope you can get in to see someone a bit less alarming and more understanding soon and that they can tell you that there’s nothing to worry about. Take care.

  14. hopefulmother Says:

    Hugs to you. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that this is nothing…

  15. Heidi Says:

    Hugs.

  16. electriclady Says:

    Oh no…I hope it’s just a false alarm. Thinking of you.

  17. motel manager Says:

    Sending you lots of good thoughts. I had a lump during this pregnancy that turned out to be nothing, so I am hoping the same for you. Or if it must be something, that it’s early and fixable. During my anxious Dr Googling, I read that something like 80% of lumps are nothing to worry about….fingers crossed for you….xoxox

  18. Erin Says:

    That is really scary, and I can’t think of anything else to say about it. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for the best the whole time.

  19. dawn Says:

    OMG i am freaking out for you!

  20. beagle Says:

    Adding my support and hope that’s it’s nothing . . . in the meantime I’m worrying with you . . .

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