It seems lately that the only time I get on to post here is when I am having some kind of crisis. I feel like a teenager who writes angsty poetry and then closes her notebook until she breaks up with the next boyfriend.

But it happens.

Thank you for your support on my last, most tortured of posts. My sister has decided to keep the baby. Turns out she can stay on her current anti-crazy medication throughout the pregnancy, which was the deal-breaker. So I get to be an auntie again, and I’m betting on a little girl, if only so I have soemone to give “Anne of Green Gables” books to, and to see High School Musical Number 12 with.

I’ve been away, as I mentioned in a post a few weeks back. Right now I am sitting on the back porch in Norman Bates’ motel just outside of Auckland airport.

I’ve been in New Zealand for eleven days now, visiting an old flatmate of mine from ten years ago. She is British, and we’ve been writing to each other like boarding school penpals ever since. It’s been wonderful to catch up with her after so long – we’ve had some wonderful talks on rugged cliff-faces, and its been a fantastic opportunity to take stock of the last leg of the journey (actually the last several legs) and try and figure out where I’m going next. I need to process still, I think, but I won’t put you all through it now.

I miss my boys desperately, the big one and the little one. J said his first real sentence right before I left, holding his bottle out to me : “I want some more juice please”.  Cracked me up. He’s all about the damn juice right now.

He’s coping ok without me, T says; we’re both doing better than I expected, actually. Poor T is the one who has copped it all – alone, being pulled a million directions by J and his other two kids, who are now 16 and 12, and his ex-partner. He’s a gem, my husband. I need to tell him that more often (Resolution #1).  Supposedly J is being the metre-man – T can’t go more than a metre away before J starts getting clingy. Apparently he went to sleep quietly murmuring mama mama mama the other night. And then there was the bit where he pointed at the television – at vile, disgusting Charli from Hi 5 to be precise – and said “mama”.

Of course, I’ve been dreadfully worried about the damage eleven days away from mum will do to his psyche. Will he always have this looming sense of abandonment in his relationships with women? Will he be permanently seeking security in all the wrong places? Pure paranoia of course – everyone keeps telling me children are more resilient than we know. And of course they are.

Still.

Anyway, must go. Hope you all had a lovely christmas and new year. Hopefully won’t be long until I get off my butt to post again.

xx

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6 Responses to “”

  1. Erin Says:

    J will be absolutely fine–I think separations are mostly harder on parents than they are on kids. It’s wonderful that you were able to get together with your friend and see one another. Friendships like that are very special.

  2. Serenity Says:

    I agree with Erin 1000% – the separation is I think harder on you than it is on J. Kids are pretty adaptable. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    I’m thrilled to hear that you’ve had some you time and some catching up with a friend time. That sort of thinking and reflecting is good for the soul. Hopefully you’ll head back home refreshed.

    xx

  3. Pam/Wordgirl Says:

    I’m certain that you would hear all about my anxiety if our situations were reversed — honestly I can’t even be away from my dog without worry — 🙂

    It’s nice to read your words after the whirlwind of the holidays — and I”m glad to hear how things have panned out with your sister…I too would love to share those Anne of Green Gables books — I just went back to them recently and fell in love with it all over again…

    Happy New Year Kindred Spirit,

    XO

    Pam

  4. My Reality Says:

    I think your time away from J will be good for both of you. He will learn that mama always comes back. And you will have had a chance to recharge.

    Happy New Year!

  5. beagle Says:

    I hope it was restorative. We all need that sometimes.

    Your men, little and big will be better for their time together. I think not having mommy to fall back on makes the daddy and the baby relate differently than when we are there with them both.

    God, I hope that made sense. I need more sleep.

  6. thalia Says:

    I hope you had a wonderful reunion with your boys. I’ve left Pob for up to 72 hours, and it’s been ok – very tough on me but she’s been ok. In March I will probably go away for 6 days and I’m very nervous about it, but keeping fingers crossed I can cope ok.

    Hope your new year is startign well.

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