The nerve. She returns, almost a year later, expecting blog pals to come running, showering her with love and affection. As if she would still be on their reader. What is the statute of limitations on dead blogs?

But we all know. Sometimes we need this, sometimes we don’t.

And I haven’t. Most of you I have in my FB account – those who I don’t, I still read, and though I rarely (ahem, almost never) comment, I know where in the internet world I can find you.

So here I am. Needing to write. Needing my girls, my old bloggy pals. Needing to put it down, sort it out, sift through the raw messiness of life. Here I am again.

You’re asking why?

I have left my husband.

It happened Sunday night.

There I was, reeling out the usual list of petty complaints to my sister – “husbands suck”, “husbands make you do everything” etc. oh etc. And as I was talking to her, it occured to me that I have been here before. Too many times. And that enough was enough.

It wasn’t the petty complaints. That’s just the skin on the milk. That’s what goes on everywhere, in every marriage in some way or another, and it means nothing. It’s bickering.

What was there, that I have been covering up with busy-ness for so long – God, literally years – is that something isn’t right. It’s not with him, and it’s not not with me. He’s a good man, an intelligent, articulate, gentle, warm man. He ticks all the boxes, right? But there’s something, there hidden in the very texture of us, the third life we create as a unit, that isn’t right. I’ve been denying it. Even now I’m not sure if it is a figment of my imagination; the result of watching “When Harry met Sally” too many times in my youth – some romatic ideal that doesn’t and hasn’t ever existed for us.

I have always had this niggling. Even on our wedding day. Even the morning after the first night we spent together.

It’s like when you love someone, but you don’t LOVE them.

I’m staying at my mums for the time being. BB is there, not here. For two years we have alternated child care between his work days and my work days, and that’s the way it will stay. Until this Thursday, it will be my work days.

Being apart from BB is excruciating. I know this will get worse before it gets better. I’ve chosen a hard road. I’m trying not to doubt it. But it’s hard. A lovely man (be he not right for ME) is hurting because of my actions. My family, my sense of security and home, is gone.

I feel terribly alone. Terribly sad, terribly alone, and terribly hollow.

I don’ t know.

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26 Responses to “”

  1. thalia Says:

    I’m really sorry this has happened. Even if it’s totally the right decision for the two of you, it’s very very tough to go through and it’s a real loss in your life and for BB. Do give yourself time and lots of slack, and ask for all the support you need.

    For me, btw, readers are perfect for this kind of occasion. I never delete anyone!

  2. electriclady Says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this–like Thalia said, even when it’s the best decision, it’s still incredibly hard. And you’re not totally alone. We’re here, truly. Oceans away, maybe, but here.

  3. Tristan Says:

    Oh God, Meg, I am so sorry to hear this. Please know that we are here to listen whenever you want to talk about it.

  4. projgen Says:

    Well, shit. I’m so sorry to hear this, but at the same time, glad that you were strong enough to recognize that something wasn’t working. And of course, we’ll all be here for you! From my own experience, I turned to people I knew loved me – my friends and family (certain family members. Some were NOT helpful, and I avoided them). I also made a point of getting too drunk once or twice, just to get it out of my system 🙂 Ask for help – people may want to help, but just not know what you need. Tell them.

    Big hugs, Meg, and a lot of strength and courage to you.

  5. sky Says:

    Shit. I just posted about one of my best friend’s separating. Now this.

    I’m sorry Meg. It sucks but you need to do what’s right for you. As I just told my friend – take it one day at a time.

    Hugs.

  6. amanda Says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think it takes a hell of a lot of strength to move forward. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  7. hopefulmother Says:

    I’m sorry Meg. As Sky said, you gotta do what’s right for you (the hard part is often figuring out exactly what that is!)

    Thinking of you as you navigate uncharted waters.

  8. Lut C. Says:

    That’s one tough decision to make. I hope the transition to co-parenting will work out without too much strife.

    Part of me fears that’s where we’re headed too, as continuing treatment makes me ever grumpier. Maybe the damage will prove unreparable.

    And yes, readers are ideal for keeping blogs forever.

  9. Aunt Becky Says:

    Shit, dude, I’m sorry. I understand and I’m sorry.

  10. Pam/Wordgirl Says:

    I would shower you with love an affection no matter what.

    I’m sitting here with an open heart — my brother wrote something to me once. I had left the first man I ever truly loved — and still loved him but, like you say, something was wrong. It was excruciating to leave him but I just knew I had to. My brother wrote me that it was an incredible gift to know when it was time to go and that all we could do in this world was understand when it was our time to go and to go with grace, and to help others go when it was their time to go — I was young — 23 — but those words have stayed with me all those years. It felt true — the hardest thing in the world is recognizing when to honor yourself — even when it means heartbreak.

    Please know that co-parenting is so doable — not without struggle and adjustments — but with two loving people who love their child — it can even bring unexpected joys — it seems unimaginable now, but seven years ago we started on our co-parenting journey and W is happy –if anything he has TONS of people who love him.

    I’m thinking of you Meg. For what it’s worth there’s a book that helped me through many a tough time — Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You & When Things Fall Apart..also Marianne Williamson’s Return to Love — perhaps a little new-agey for some but always brought me comfort somehow.

    Love and more,

    Pam

  11. Mel Says:

    This is why everyone should have a Google Reader. So when the bat signal is sounded, we can come. I am so sorry, Meg. There are really no good words, but I wanted you to know that I’m here and listening.

  12. Yo-yo Mama Says:

    Well, HELL! It’s one thing to watch your friends go through time-consuming treatments, painful negatives, uncomfortable pregnancies…but christ, this? This is a heartbreaking update, but we all know how to buck up and do what we can from afar when called upon. We will see you through this transition as well.

    (formerly DD)

  13. K Says:

    So sorry- this is not easy- it never is. *hugs*

    LFCA

  14. cowgirltn Says:

    Praying for your road ahead may a light be lit where there is darkness.

  15. Summer Says:

    Like the others, I never delete anyone from my reader.

    Everyone else has said it better, but I will say it again nevertheless. Sometimes you have to do what your heart tells you to do, even though it may be a painful path.

    And no blog is dead unless the author deletes it, therefore no statute of limitations for yours. So here we are and here we will stay for as long as you need us.

  16. Beautiful Mess Says:

    Here from LFCA

    I’m really sorry you’re feeling so alone, sad and hollow. No matter what the reasons are for, a break up sucks. Plain and simple. Acknowledging your hurt is OK. Your bloggy palls will pick you up when you need it. Sending you lots of love and strength!
    *HUGS*

  17. Bea Says:

    Oh wow. I’m not even really sure what to say. I hope you can get everything figured out for the best.

    Bea

  18. Sharon Says:

    Thinking of you, I’m just so sorry.

  19. My Reality Says:

    I am here to listen and hope you are ok.

    xx

  20. namaste Says:

    Been there and it is awful. Sending you hugs and good thoughts for whatever outcome is meant to be.

  21. badmammy Says:

    oh girl, you could have been describing my life at one point. Fortunately, that part of my life is over & I have slowly moved on (with a LOT of missteps). It sucks now but it won’t last.

  22. samcy Says:

    Here from LFCA, I am sorry that you’re dealing with this – even if it was your decision to leave him it can’t be easy on you AT ALL. I hope you find strength to find happiness again honey.

    xxx

  23. M Says:

    I echo every single comment above – and am sending you lots of healing vibes over the little stretch of water…

    Much love xxx

  24. sam Says:

    I’m here if you need me. Do what you know to be right.

  25. MsPrufrock Says:

    I have yet to read your most recent post since I’m playing catch-up, so I do apologise in advance if this comment makes no sense in the context of what you’ve just written.

    You are so strong to have made this decision Meg, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I’m glad that you have sought the comfort of fellow bloggers, because the support is needed in a time like this.

    You’ll be in my thoughts, and though time differences don’t making chatting easy, if you see me on gmail and want to talk, I’m always here for you.

  26. Lyrehca Says:

    Have been remiss in blog reading recently and just read this post. Very sorry to read your news, and as mentioned eariier, I agree with everyone who has posted above. Best wishes with everything.

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