I was doing well.

Really. The last few days had made it clear to me that I was doing the right thing. The more I’ve talked to those closest to me, the more it has opened up inside me – all the different things I’ve been suppressing for so long. It’s like, that gut feeling that was so shapeless not a week ago – so intangible and quiet and frightening – has now been telling me: Yes. There was that, and there was that, and there was that too. Things I never dared to allow myself to feel or think consciously about our marriage before.

And it seems so obvious that I wonder how it could have come as a surprise to him. But then, it came as a surprise to me too, the actual doing of this, didn’t it?

But then I have contact with him, and I stop feeling so good.

He’s gutted… I think.

I mean, if his Facebook wall is anything to go by. The Leonard Cohen song lyrics, the links to a download of his new heartbroken song ( I haven’t listened – I’m not QUITE that masochistic), descriptions of packing ten years into boxes. I know my (ex) husband, and I know he’s all about being the victim. I shouldn’t be surprised. And I’m trying not to get upset by it. I know he doesn’t have the support of family nearby, and that he needs that support. And he’s playing games too I think – trying to show me what I’m doing to him without showing me, and he’s hurt and angry and we are in the 21st Century, right? Reaching out is all about the electronic communication.

But I don’t know. It works. I DO feel guilty. It DOES make me feel awful.

I just keep trying to think about later – one year, two years down the track. When we can be mates again, when the hurt has faded – and, hopefully, when he has had the chance to process and heal and see all the things that are so obvious to me now. Because I think he will. I don’t think the level of dysfunction that’s been festering between us for so long can be one-sided. You know? I don’t think it’s a matter of the “she broke my heart” stuff he’s putting out there. We’ve both been unhappy in this marriage for a long time.

It’s just that for some reason I don’t entirely understand, I’ve just been more prepared to admit it.

Advertisements

10 Responses to “”

  1. Bea Says:

    Complicated stuff, Meg.

    Bea

  2. Summer Says:

    You cared about him, Meg and you still do. So, of course you will feel guilty and awful for the hurt he is feeling right now. The right thing to do can be a million time more painful than the wrong thing. Yet, it’s still the right thing. But, I think you already know that and that is why you were able to do what you did.

  3. sky Says:

    I salute you. You’re being brave and doing the right thing. Not the easy thing. Divorce sucks but you need to be fulfilled and content.

    hugs
    S

  4. electriclady Says:

    “I don’t think the level of dysfunction that’s been festering between us for so long can be one-sided.” So true. It’s never as simple as one person does the leaving and the other is the victim. It’s natural that you’re going to feel guilty right now but that’s part of the process, I think.

  5. Aunt Becky Says:

    You have to do what is right for you, dude. That’s what matters. I’m so sorry it’s hard.

  6. Lut C. Says:

    Do you HAVE to check his Facebook wall? I’m just wondering, isn’t that hurting yourself more than needs be?

  7. My Reality Says:

    I agree with Lut. Although I would be doing the same thing.

    This is all complicated and messy and painful. And you are brave to be facing it all head on.

  8. MsPrufrock Says:

    I hope I don’t come off as dreadfully patronising, and please feel free to kick me in my stupid head if so, but this pain will lessen. Eventually. You need to do what you need to do to be happy. It’s a ridiculously simplistic thing to say, I know, but the cliche is true – life is too short to not be happy if a factor of your unhappiness can be changed. It sucks, it’s horrible, you’re miserable, he’s miserable, but it’s all temporary. You deserve to be happy. Staying with your husband out of a sense of obligation wouldn’t do him any favours anyway, so you’re doing what’s best for the both of you.

    Ok, my speech ends here.

  9. Jericho Says:

    I’m sorry its hard. This was a big decision, and I’m glad you’ve had the support you needed. I’m sorry that he doesn’t, though, and that it makes you feel awful.

    *hug*

  10. Brandy Says:

    Okay, I admit it. I was wrapped up in my own life and stopped reading blogs altogether last year while going to school and just not having time. But I missed this and that sucks. I’m out here and thinking about you and just really wanted you to know that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s