Archive for the ‘Le Daily Grind’ Category

wazzup

May 19, 2008

How have I been, Thalia asks.

I answer: Good.

Except when I haven’t been.

The last couple of months have been intense. I am out the other side of the worst of it, and battling through with good(ish) time management, but yes, it hasn’t always been fun.

Highlights of the last two (TWO!) months include:

1. Trying to complete long and incredibly boring assignments in the two hour gap between putting BB to bed and collapsing into bed myself.

2. Dealing with a boss who sometimes seems to be virtually a workplace psychopath, and with whom I have a soul-crushing love/hate relationship with.

3. Facing my 13-years high school reunion (I know, a rather arbitrary anniversary, isn’t it?)

4. Going a little bit crazy and actually having to google “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” and face the fact that in a crisis, on a bad day, it is more than eccentricity. Mental health assessment with GP ensued. Referral to clinical psychologist occured. Awaiting appointment. Feeling better.

5. Realising I was tired of cataloguing books and feeling like a piece of shit about not writing. Fear of never writing a book at all starting to be worse than fear of not being able to finish one. Have commenced work on first novel, and am chipping away slow sentence by slow sentence. Trying not to be overly critical of my work, but not succeeding one little bit.

6. Finding myself needing to be reminded of the reasons that I only wanted one child as well as why it is risky and impractical and traumatic to try for another considering huge risk of another placental abruption even if IVF did randomly work again and knowledge that outcome of abruption is likely not to be so positive a second time. Husband completely resistant to idea, also, and will never bend on that. But still feeling twinges of pain on being asked (frequently) when I am going to have another and jealousy on hearing two second-pregnancy announcements in my mother’s group.

7. Quitting smoking again. Yay for me.

8. Delighting in BB, who is now very close to walking and talking. Words we have currently: woof, ta,  and hello.

So that is me.

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January 18, 2008

Well, lets see if BB will give me a chunk of time long enough to actully write something, instead of just knock two feeds off my blogroll.

Things here haven’t been too bad.

Well, he’s still sleeping like a piece of steaming shit, of course, but my step-kids have gone home, and me and the T-meister have been actually getting along – two things not necessarily related to each other, but then again, maybe they are.

Anyway, it’s good. Due to having a routine (again?), we have, at least, a baby who will go to sleep at an appropriate time, even if he won’t stay asleep.

It’s something though. And our copy of “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” arrived yesterday, so I am hoping the dirty t-shirt in the cot / hippy music / soft toy attachment will start doing something useful in time.

Dare I hope.

Meanwhile, countdown to return-to-work has now reached nine days. God. I try to be positive – it is mostly a new role, it is only three days, I have been getting a bit bored anyway etc etc etc but still, the thought of having to go in there periodically revolts me, especially the thought that since I’m job-sharing I won’t even get my own desk to litter with photographs and make everyone puke. Wah.

Finally, an admission. That I could never make on my original blog due to the utter shame.

The last couple of weeks I have been struggling with smoking again.

I know. What an absolute idiot. I can’t believe my own stupidness. It started as one on New Years, then was soon one a day, but is slowly building up. I have to get a grip on it. I have to. I don’t want to be like I was before I quit, which was just about the most hardened smoker you could ever meet, like I’m talking fifty or sixty a day during some points in my life. Literally, a chain-smoker.

I hate the feeling of slavery to it; that bit has come back so quickly, regardless of how much or little I smoke. It was so good to just not have to deal with the cravings anymore. I know that stopping again entirely is the only way to get over the cravings ultimately. That the only thing causing the cravings is the fact that I keep having more cigarettes. I know all of it. Which is why I’m so very disgusted with myself.

Anyway, bleugh. Feel free to chastise and/or give assvice.

January 1, 2008

Lately I have been thinking about the last of the sperm, out there on Bridge Rd, in the freezer.

But it makes me feel slightly sick in the stomach, so then I put the thought away again.

post of many updates

December 29, 2007

Oh how I wish I could muster the energy for a real post. Have been chipping away at one about step-parenthood but it involves mucho thinking and a brain I currently, in the 35 degree heat, do not have.

In lieu:

Buddha Baby has gotten bored of crawling and decided that pulling up to a stand is way more fun. He appears now to be crawling only for the purpose of reaching the nearest level surface. 3am practise commenced promptly.

He started the real pre-talking babbles exactly yesterday, while I was in the car on the way to my (27 weeks pregnant) sister’s place. I managed to escape a car accident while I sat in the driver’s seat watching him silently attempt oral contortions in the rear vision mirror until he felt confident enough to push some voice into them. Not mamama or dadada here though. Only wawawa or yayaya so far.

The First Christmas was uneventful, with Buddha Baby being incredibly spoilt and receiving presents even from Uncle D. who never even gave me a present in his whole life, so that was something special. Step-children sat in boredom and uncomfortableness (a word??) at my parents’ dinner table like they do every year.

Am still breastfeeding. A few hiccups, now resolved(ish). Will be happy to elaborate should one of you have any interest whatsofuckingever in hearing about it.

Countdown to Return-To-Work is beginning. I think there’s about four weeks to go. Am trying not to think about; too depressing right now. It’s only three days a week and my timetable is all library except for one year seven English class – it’s a nice, pissy load really. We are managing to avoid child care with a bit of a shuffle of T’s hours, but I’m still doubtful of Buddha Baby’s ability to deal with my absence, given his recent behaviours. We shall see.

Have been lazy with gym. Bad, bad, bad. Will start being good, good, good very soon.

Girl in my writer’s group had a story published in “Best Australian Short Stories” – a huge thing. Onset of yet another reign of guilt and regret about being lazy about sending off my poems. Why do I rarely do it? Why? Why? Why? I’m not scared of rejection, truly; I just hate going to the post office.

Have reshuffled furniture to accomodate the now-established co-sleeping. Buddha Baby gets to be against the wall while T. is on the other side of me, pretending the baby isn’t really in our bed. This works for everyone. Kind of. Well, no one has ended up in tears about it, anyway. Except Buddha Baby, who has decided he will only sleep belly-to-belly with me with his arms around my neck, holding onto my hair. Oh and I need to have my pyjama top off so the all-night milk bar is easily accessable, as well. I’m not sure how this is all going to pan out, of course. I’m decision-making on instinct here, which is possibly not so reliable right now. But is an interesting experiment.

And that, my friends, is all.

miscellany

December 13, 2007

Trip to emergency Monday when Buddha Baby fell off the bed (again) and face-butted our polished boards, resulting in a fat lip and blood nose. Doctor insisted no permanent damage but inspected Buddha Baby for bruises in case of abuse.

We went to the park today, the cut grass resulting in lots of little red dots all over Buddha Baby’s body. It appears I have a child with Allergies.

Buddha Baby’s sleep is still terribly interupted (he woke five times last night; I only know becasue I was curious and thought I would count), but more often than not, he will settle back down quickly. Course, that could be becasue I have still  been sleeping the second half of the night in bed with him. Needless to say, I’ve put a mattress on the floor of his room so we don’t have to risk cranial injury again.

My stepkids will be here in a week. Every one of their christmas presents was bought at a hifi and electricals superstore this evening. This makes things easier, if more expensive.

Buddha Baby and I have mouth/nipple thrush. It fucking hurts.

T. got a HUGE backpay today because his workplace hadn’t implemented 18 months worth of incremental payrises. It was almost two thousand dollars.

Our car was officially written off by the insurance company, turning out to be worth double what we spent on it. Yes, I made a profit from a car accident. I am wondering what we did to deserve these rare strokes of financial good luck.

But I am glad of them. Usually the universe kicks our butts.

December 7, 2007

Well, thank you all.

I needed those reassurances of normality, to hear I’m not the only one who sometimes wishes their spouse would fall backwards off the planet.

I’m feeling somewhat more sane today.

Grumpy still, but not crazy. I might even let T. do the post-in-reply-to-goading that he’s always fantasising about.

(And Dawn, you are right. That was in fact the THIRD car we have written off in the last eighteen months… You have to laugh, don’t you?)

The last couple of days haven’t been as bad. Note the italics on as.

We have had a couple of lucky breaks, though Buddha Baby has still been waking frequently during the night. Including a nice long playtime from 2am last night, that involved an hour and a half of cooing / squealing / throwing legs between cot bars / rolling / tumbling / rocking back and forth on his knees.

But at least it was cheerful. And at least he hasn’t done the tearful, near hysterical four hours of tantrum before finally passing out in sheer exhaustion at 11pm. And That Is Golden.

Meanwhile, it is no surprise to see my hard-won (meagre) milk supply has dropped for the gazillionth time, so I get to play The Endless Pumpage for a few days, again.

It’s just laughable really, what I do to myself. I really shouldn’t complain.